I just killed a habit as old as my home internet connection

I have had internet in my home in one form or another since 1994--yup 20 years.

And for those 20 years I would sit down first thing in the morning with my cup of coffee and read email and browse the internet.

At first it meant connecting with a 28.8 kbps modem and then with a 56 kpbs (oooh, twice as fast...sort of) until I moved into a house of my own and had cable internet installed.

At first, I couldn't wait to see what surprises would show up in my inbox. But after a while it just became a habit. It was my version of looking at the newspaper in the morning.

Well, I recently quit this habit.

Why?

Spending my waking moments looking at  Facebook etc was costing me.

I knew I was losing prime brain time and spending far too much time browsing which resulted in a whole lot of procrastination. I let it go on and on for years as a more or less harmless vice--I wasn't ready to let it go until I realized I wanted to spend more time writing. That time wasn't going to just show up in my calendar. I needed to make that time.

On the first day of the experiment I settled into my chair with my coffee and resisted the initial urge to flip open my laptop. Instead I looked out the window.

There was a dove on the telephone wire over my fence. The sun was reflecting on its breast, making it appear golden. For a while I continued to have the impulse to pick up my laptop to read or (trickier) to write someone a message that needed to be sent RIGHT THEN.

I just let the urge pass, made a note in my notebook to contact my friend later and continued to watch the dove on the wire.

I finished my coffee and then started my day--a full hour ahead of when I usually would. I managed to jot down some ideas for some new projects and head out for a long walk.

I checked my laptop later in the day for all the things I normally would have at dawn. None of it was so compelling that I lost anything by waiting until later.

At that moment I made a decision about how I would start my mornings moving forward.

Only a few days before this I couldn't conceive of not starting my morning with a little browsing over coffee. It just seemed like an impossible habit to break. But by changing this habit I stopped up an enormous energy leak.

It turns out I didn't have to force myself to get up earlier to get my writing in. I could just get up and get going.

Small changes can yield huge results.

The new year is upon us. You can change a habit any old time (I just did) but I know its still popular to start things when the calendar flips over.

Have a big goal you want to work on? Want to succeed in making it happen? Check out the book I just published on Amazon. 

A Drawing

This is my hand--a drawing of my literal hand. This is figurative me--not an actual physical representation but an image representing my flailing about. The point? To try out these blue pencils from Tim Ferris. The rest is obvious.

Notes from Staycation: Homework, Santa Cruz and Cool Jewelry Tools

I spent the afternoon working on the homework Coach Max gave me yesterday. Her method is partially a system of inquiry and partially teaching you to understand your internal physical cues to determine the "rightness" of a situation/direction. Once you learn those cues, you learn what to do with the information you get from them. As a person who spends a fair amount of time in my head, this is a useful approach.

But what a great day for homework! I took my notebook to Verve in Santa Cruz and sat in the sunshine enjoying an espresso as well as the low traffic on Pacific Garden.  Its amazing how the rocket fuel spurs thought! Also, just enjoying being somewhere with nowhere to go was so luxurious.

Part of my assignment was to write down a list of things I was deferring to "later". On the list was to take more walks along the water--there was no way Staycation was going to pass me by without a nice long walk on West Cliff. My physical therapist cleared me for longer, brisker walks yesterday--progress is being made!

You don't get to see how it used to look.

I spent the morning completing the organization of my home office. Part of keeping flow is making sure my space is organized for the things I do all the time. In this room I do my workout, write, meditate and play music (when I make the time that is). Before the space was too cramped and cluttered so I spent most of my time in there feeling pretty distracted--not exactly inspired. Also, gave away some things which brings me to my next topic...

Who wants to be a jeweler?!?

Tools and beads and wires--oh my!

Here is the deal. I want to trade all the materials and tools in this picture for something wonderful. This collection includes lamp worked beads, silver wire, dichroic cabochons, murano gold foil beads, fresh water pearls, a bunch of nifty charms, glass figures and too many other things too list (but can be seen in the photo. Also, the tools have every sort of plier, cutter, mandrel blah blah blah to make far more than bead based jewelry. I can see from the photo there a couple of tools that didn't make it into the frame (an extra set of wire wrapping pliers (excellent quality) and a metal block for shaping silver or other soft metals.

I want to use these things to make a connection with someone who is excited by them and who has a fun and interesting trade to make. You can use these to start a new hobby, expand an existing one, make money from what you create or even start your own Red Paper Clip project

The best part is you don't have to hang onto them--you can trade them again when you are ready for something new in your life. Tools, materials etc...they are only alive when they are in use or circulation. I wanted these to have the joy of life in them again.

The point for me doing this trade is I'm making room to pursue other interests at a deeper level. The jewelry making project served an important purpose when I took it up (and started a love affair with Venice Italy--a lifetime gift). Now its time for someone else to be sparked with magic.

Here are the ground rules:

1. Its all or nothing. I won't break up the collection.

2. We both have to be thrilled with and excited by the trade.

3. We meet in person to do the trade. Yes, I'll meet you half way somewhere. I like going places--what can I say? Also, the point is to make a connection--this should be fun and an opportunity to make friends. I might not be able to accommodate this if you are abroad...write anyway...who knows?

Included along with this are a couple extra surprises for fun. Generosity and sparking inspiration light me up!

If you are interested please leave a comment below. Looking forward to hearing from you!

Notes from Staycation Day 1

About a month ago I realized I needed an enormous dose of perspective so I scheduled a staycation. The need for this was made crystal clear by an uninvited lizard brain attack loss of my filters that I will write about in a separate post. But here's where we are so far...

After I signed off at work I deleted my work email accounts from my phone and iPad and started my plan of Awesome.

First thing, before I left I received my annual review where nice things were said. No revelations but it was a chance to chat with my former manager who validated some of my frustrations. It was nice to connect with him and we had a warm conversation. He is the Red State version of myself--we always have thoughtful, deep conversations where we can put our perspectives on the table fully. I wish we had this kind of cross aisle discourse in congress.

Another nice thing that happened was the opportunity to watch a charitable org one of my programs is coaching. The Valley Verde mission is to help low income families obtain access to organic food by teaching them to garden, setting up gardens for them and being available as coaches and consultants. Additionally, they offer these services to people with the means to pay them full market rate and use that as a vehicle to employ some of their clients. I immediately signed up. My goal this week is to do a thorough clean up of my yard and hire someone to maintain it. This could be my ideal match.

Made a gallon of IPA from a kit. I have made beer in the past but 5 gallons is simply too much beer for me to consume. One gallon gives me the same pleasure of making but the consumable is gone in a reasonable amount of time. It will be ready to drink in a few weeks!

This morning my shipment from Quarterly. I'm an unashamed Tim Ferris fan so I couldn't wait to get his kit. Look at all this crazy awesome stuff! I've always wanted one of these pull saws. Also, the athletic greens is pretty tasty...pineappley. I'm also really enamoured with the pencils...they write in blue.

When I learned about Quarterly I immediately started giving subscriptions as gifts. Its just fun to get stuff in the mail.

Miss Keri and I are about to head out to Morro Bay to see my sister for the weekend--there will be wine drinking, cooking, beach walks and antiquing involved. More later...

How can I support myself?

The term organization sometimes comes with a vision of a pristine house with bare surfaces and cute containers that have everything just so. While I appreciate the vision, the perfectionism it implies exhausts me.

Having said that, essential organization is important if you want to use your energy to its best effect and encounter minimal resistance during your day. I've started asking myself the question "how can I support myself in doing X". This is basic stuff and it always starts with making sure I do the things that will ensure mental clarity throughout the day.

I've been dealing with some challenges lately that could derail me if I let them. I woke up in a bad mood which right then made me want to pull the covers over my head and delay my day. However, I had already supported myself to counter act this. I set my alarm so I would wake up slowly (3 alarms a half hour apart) and had my glass of water on the night stand ready. From there it was me just going through my routine--all steps in someway designed to ensure my mind would be operating at whatever level it was able to today--despite impending stress.

Oh, it was quite a mental carnival this morning. I tried to talk myself out of making my lunch and just reading the news but all the ingredients were available so it was easy to do. Once I had that in place I did a short strength routine, dressed and was out the door on time.

Keep in mind I wanted to talk myself into staying home. I wanted to do some other impulsive, not productive things on top of that. I wanted to give someone a piece of my mind. Miss Keri said she could hear me grousing which is a sign that I'm irritated.

Here's my point. Because I had a few small things organized and ready I was able to do all the things that gets my mind sorted out and available. I can think of plenty of times in the past when I wasn't prepared and had to white knuckle it through my day. When I recognize that my emotional or mental reserves are low, its imperative to have simple, easy to follow rituals that make sure I am doing the best I am able to on any given day.

Here is my go to list for making sure I'm fully supported:
* gentle wake up--I set the alarm so I get 7 hours of sleep a night--the last hour I start waking up with soft alarms set at half hour intervals.

* I drink water in the morning--I drink a full glass before my feet hit the floor. You lose hydration as you sleep--this makes sure your levels are back up as soon as possible

* I have a small breakfast right after I get up--I shake up Vega One and chia seeds and it goes down the hatch. Like water, your body is also using energy in your sleep. A small meal restores your glucose levels which are necessary for proper brain function.

* I make sure I have coffee in the house so I can have a cup after meditation. A little caffeine is good for bringing systems on line.

* I shop before the week starts so I have ingredients for lunch and snacks handy--I make sure there is a container of cooked quinoa in the fridge which I mix with a combination of sweet potatoes, dried fruit and kale or roasted broccoli--this is my lunch. I keep greek yogurt and fruit on hand for mid morning and afternoon snacks. Also, I keep a box of Luna Bars in my desk and another container of Vega One in case my day goes long or I get over taxed and need a boost.

* I drink herbal tea to stay hydrated--I make sure I have my favorites at my desk and drink several cups a day. I drink water too but I prefer a hot beverage.

* I clear things off the counter when I get home and make sure the dishes are in the dishwasher. Its draining to see piles of stuff everywhere--it takes 15 minutes to get the counters in shape if I'm on top of it. The rest I leave for the housekeeper who comes every two weeks. The house isn't pristine but its good enough for guests.

* I have my daily carry sorted out--this includes my reading glasses, company badge, pocket knife, car keys and cell phone. I have all of these in the chest of drawers near the exit. Having these in place is one last thing to tax my resources when I'm trying to leave.

My evenings I consider myself to mostly be "off the leash" so I relax--I require very little in the way of organization to do this. However if I want to start up a project that requires my energy and attention I employ a ritual to make the transition smooth--this is especially important if my day at work has been stressful.

None of these are big ticket items to keep going. I don't think Martha Stewart magazine will be dropping by to do a photo op anytime soon but that level of order makes me tired to contemplate which is counter productive. The goal is to facilitate flow.

Do you have any rituals in place that make your day go smoothly? Please share in the comments.

Cupcakes, cheese buns

For my birthday this year I asked for a casual dessert party--however instead of Miss Keri and I making one of our mainstays (pie anyone?) we decided to do some experimenting.

I have to come clean on something. Miss Keri and I both have perfectionist streaks that usually aren't visible except in the kitchen. We both get some standard of what is "right" for whatever we are going to make and only that will do. I'm especially picky about baking--I don't like to spring untested recipes on friends. Too much can go wrong and I usually can't handle the idea that someone will try something I make and only have a "polite" serving followed by faint praise. The thought actually gives me a stomach ache.

I don't know exactly what got into me but I was lent a cook book from a friend --The Momofuko Milk Bar book. I have over 100 cookbooks--many of which I've never used. But for some reason I couldn't bear returning this book without trying at least one recipe. And for some reason I had to try it at this party.

As I read through the book I had the sensation of my enamel sliding off my teeth...everything seemed so over the top crazy sweet! But at the end of the book is a small selection of savory items based on the Momofuko "mother dough" recipe. After a week of vacillating I decided to do Bagel Bombs and put my own spin on them.

Similarly driven, Miss Keri cracked open her new Martha Stewart cake book and asked me to pick a recipe. Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting of course! Should be simple enough, right?

Cupcakes of glory!

The baking was chaos.

Every single one of my buns (which were stuffed with a blend of sharp cheddar and cream cheese) exploded rupturing the top of each bun with a lava flow of cheese. Also, despite an extended time in the oven, they came out barely brown. They should have been shiny, round and deeply bronzed--not pale, deformed mini volcanoes. I considered not putting them out. But I ate one and it wasn't horrible so I said fuck it, popped them in the over for another ten minutes and put them out anyway. At least the oven didn't catch on fire.

Miss Keri planned to pipe graceful soft-serve like mounds onto her cupcakes but found that we had no bags to pipe with. Miss Keri grabbed her car keys to go to the store. However, with less than a half hour before our friends were supposed to arrive I begged her to simplify her vision.

This suggestion was not well received.

After a short heated discussion regarding reality, time and space, Miss Keri simply spooned the extremely soft butter cream into little mounds on each cake and finished them off with a candied violet petal. The butter cream wouldn't smooth out and kept making little points. I kept getting dagger looks so I busied myself with the bar.

But guess what? Everyone loved our ugly buns and not perfectly smooth cupcakes. I guess that was because they were AMAZING! The cheese volcanoes disappeared. Everyone went back for seconds on the cupcakes (or in my case fourths).

Nancy's bitchin' axe.

We chatted, ate and drank for a solid two hours. Nancy brought out her newly finished cigar box ukulele. Holly shared her book idea. Tigger made our dog, Liebchen, feel like the most special lady at the table (I need to step up my game on that front--at least with Liebchen). And Jackie gave me a "random acts" box to store artifacts from my various personal experiments (I love this thing--Jackie has a black belt in perfect gift giving).

I spent the evening in a hazy sugar/champagne coma feeling extremely loved up and happy. I'm really glad the afternoon didn't end up being about my fixation on turning out perfect baked goods.

I'll let someone else worry about how shiny their buns are.

Give your Idols a Break

Don't meet your heros. I've heard this adage before but I don't know who said it. There should be a corollary--don't ask your hero for feedback on your portfolio.

When I was fifteen I begged my Mom to take me to the local comic store because the comic artist I admired most would be there--Wendy Pini. I was full on star struck. I wasn't allowed to go to events like ComicCon and the only had the people I had to share my enthusiasm with (mostly adults) were the ones who hung out at Comics and Fantasies in San Jose. I had been reading Wendy's Elfquest series and was in LOVE with it. It was the only comic I had come across that had such an intelligent story line as well as beautiful, other worldly drawings. It was a huge departure from the over inked, generic 80s style used to draw most Marvel and DC titles.

I slavishly read and reread the books, read every article I could about Wendy's career, the comic and anything else I could find. I collected everything I could find about the series which was precious little unless it was an article on the evolution of Wendy's early work on trying to animate the Elric series to the art she used to depict the saga off the Wolf Riders. Fortunately I had no access to B-Boards or chat rooms because I know I would never get anything done.

When I saw the sign in the window of Comics and Fantasies that Wendy Pini was going to be there I couldn't believe my good luck! This would completely round out my worship of all things Elfquest. For me this was as big as getting back stage passes to a Prince concert for my more "normal" peers.

I came well prepared. I brought my copy of the Comics Journal that had Elfquest as the cover story for her to sign as well as my Elfquest tee-shirt. I also brought my collection of drawings. I wanted to share them with her and get her thoughts. I had not idea how badly this would go.

First off, she nearly refused to sign my tee-shirt (not sure why but she said she had a rule about it). She did eventually sign it because I begged HARD and claimed to be her biggest fan. She said I probably wasn't but I assured her she was wrong on this point. By then the small crowd of fellow dorks were shifting around looking uncomfortable because my nerdishness was causing a serious scene. She was kind of done with me but I couldn't leave without her seeing my drawings. She said she never looked at fan art but when I went into the same routine (biggest fan) she sighed and looked through them. She flipped the pages half heartedly and said I had some "rough" talent and that I needed to work on how my hands looked (its true--the hands I made looked tortured).

In a ridiculous Freudian slip I stammered "that hurts I mean helps". She looked even more uncomfortable and started restating about how she doesn't look at fan art for this reason. I shlumped away (much to every-ones' relief I'm sure). I got some "I told you so" in the car from Mom who thought my mission was utterly idiotic and why the hell was her daughter reading this crap anyway when she had homework to do?

I guess when you get the chance to meet someone you admire (someone who has never met you in your whole life and has no idea of your existence) you can get this bizarre out sized notion that they might want to meet you too.

Now, I was fifteen and fifteen year-olds  have no sense but lots of feeling. I felt embarrassed because I somehow (in a sea of adults who had nothing better to do than go to a comic book store in the middle of the day) felt like such a complete moron for wearing my heart on my sleeve. My drawings were personal (if still "rough"). My affection and adoration for her as an artist (and the person I imagined her to be) were also personal (and sincere). But what I didn't understand was what she might have been going through to be there. I have no idea how many psychos she had to fend off before I showed up. She might have been tired. She might seriously hate meeting strangers. She might have had to deal with someone just like me before and had it end even worse. All that aside, at the time, the experience really sucked (probably for both of us).

This is what I'd like to say to my fifteen year old self.

Hey, Wendy might not know how to help you but its cool. Advice and feedback are a different kind of art form--not everyone knows how to give it. We expect a lot from the people we idolize. Just because you want to connect with them doesn't mean they have the ability to connect with you. What they are good at is doing the thing you admire--unfortunately that might be all they have to offer...making more of that thing you really like. They might not even be comfortable with your admiration because they labor under their own self criticism (who knows...if only we could have perfect insight into the minds of others). Lines of fans pushing things in front of them to sign or asking for them to look at their portfolio--I can see how daunting that would be for a person who spends their time perfecting their specific craft but not the art of meeting the public. It wasn't personal. She probably gave you what she had to give right then. Keep drawing--keep working on your hands.

I didn't stop drawing. I wore my hard won teeshirt as often as I could--until it was full of holes actually. I lent out my copies of EQ out to people who I knew would like the story. I read the series until the storyline (now called The Grand Quest) was wrapped up. After that I didn't read many comic books. Years later I was surprised to see that the series rebooted in several forms and currently is a weekly offering on BoingBoing. It's awesome--you should check it out.

Cult of Do

Hi it's Saturday morning. I'm starting a cult today.

I'm laying it out there. I have many failures and false starts in my life. Many things I've taken up and written about are there as reminders that I start a lot of stuff and much remains undone. Here is a list of stuff I've started that I can't say is "done" or even really off the ground:

My Undone Stuff
Book on the writing process
Wine blog on wines of the Santa Clara Valley
Blog on the things my cats bury (Paula Poundstone read some of my stuff tho!)
Russian Language skills
Learning to surf
Running a marathon
Doing an unassisted chin
Earning a black belt
Moving to Thailand to teach English
Getting a more "practical" degree
Any of the thousands of things in my craft drawers
and the list goes on and on and on but you get the idea

So what. We love to read about the end of the journey and the triumph that shows up as the residue of lengthy processes. For years I hid these little pursuits because they were my ugly children that I was afraid to trot out for fear of the shaming label of flake, dilettante or whatever it is they call folks who can't focus and get serious about anything.

I had a conversation with a good friend the other day about these fits and starts and the sad feeling of not feeling serious enough to buy into it whole heartedly (or at least get past the energy crisis of torpor and self doubt--damn that lizard brain!).

So, the Culf of Do? Its just about doing...don't feel like you have to impress me with anything you finish...its cool to do things period. There is a Cult of Done. This is not that. This is just about doing...the process and joy of digging in and losing yourself. So what if you're not serious? So what if you have to keep your day job and you only get to say Fuck Yah! I did that for 30 seconds a day. Go ahead and play around and don't worry about finishing it. Just do something. If you finish it we'll have a party! If you don't finish it we'll have a party! Yay for doing!

Ok, time to play outside. Bye!

I'm going to make something I've always wanted

When I was a kid I had very little money to buy the things I wanted. My folks weren't into giving large allowances so if I wanted something I had to make it myself. I spent hours devising how to make things I wanted--drawings, putting whatever it was together with scraps in the garage or with whatever materials I could afford to buy. While I couldn't make things like the Walkman I wanted I could sew things for myself, bind my own books of poetry and make musical instruments too!

I have wanted one particular thing that I saw at the Phoenix book store in Big Sur. It was a raw silk jacket. It was a jeans style jacket, a sagey green with a soft lining. At the time I didn't have the $100 to spend on it. I've been searching for this jacket ever since.

I need a challenge. I'm going to make the jacket of my memory. I don't have any of the materials or a pattern but I do have my Aunt's Necchi sewing machine (made in 1954). I have Keri and my sister who can coach me. Now all I have to do is start the process of bringing it together.

I'll post pictures when its done.

Connection not Approval

On my whiteboard at work I wrote my own maxim on how to put myself into my work. It says:

The message must be vivid, compelling, alive and connect me to you.

I'm in a sea of smart people being led by another sea of smart people (perhaps you work in one of those as well?) where ideas and directives are passed down daily but the people who need to embrace these new ideas are all in their own little worlds waiting for a good fairy to touch them on the nose with a wand and for the idea to magically become a reality. But the good fairy never comes and they all go back to their corners and continue to do the things they do as they've done them time and again.

I too have waited for a good fairy to come and bring instantaneous change without my participation (more times than I care to admit actually). I have also "run away to join the circus" more than once in my career. I hoped that if I changed the mode of my work I would be happier--more me. What I was searching for was connection.

Large organizations are poor at fostering connection. Even today at my very well-intentioned company I see the painful struggle of trying to implement large scale change. I work with someone who full time works to implement change--the work of shifting the minds, hearts and hands of our thousands of peers.

There are many theories on why change is hard, how to go about changing how things are done--however, it usually boils down to the organization needing certain things to be done and rewarding based on how well those needs are met.

This approach has nothing to do with people being attracted to and inspired by an idea so powerfully that they naturally line up behind it.

The ideal is to have these changes come from the natural genius of the people who do the work. I think it's too much to ask of each person that they shut up and do as they are told until they are anointed as a leader. Its also too much to ask them to pretend that they "feel" something that isn't there--such as the sense of making a change that will disrupt everything and perhaps not work (or be abandoned for the next idea handed down from on high).

I believe deep down everyone wants to have a chance to do their best original work and have it regarded with attention and appreciation--to connect to their unique audience.

Until people stop waiting for the good fairy to come it won't matter what idea is being pushed down--if you don't like it you have to offer something better. Maybe there is another idea that would make more sense and we are missing it? Magic never comes from leadership unless its the magic of leaders getting out of the way. Its hard for people (especially leaders) to see that. Every message we are given to take responsibility and to innovate is countered with a conflicting message that we need "buy in" and "sponsorship". We sometimes reward these actions with trinkets or official approval (which is a form of control). This feeds back to the notion that you need to be anointed to implement change. Until that mindset changes I don't see that the revolution will come.

Where I'm going with this is that in some cases seeking connection and change isn't particularly safe. The energy to start something is quickly killed off by the need to seek approval instead of seeking connection. The enthusiasm and momentum that comes from spontaneous, organic actions can change everything. It can win hearts, minds and hands. It simply cannot be mandated.

Insane Ideas Update

Remember my insane idea from last October? Yah, me neither...well, no...I remember it quite well which is why I'm writing an update to it.

My hip still isn't where it needs to be to run. Late November, I resumed a very light running schedule under Aracely's supervision. It was going ok. We were meeting twice a week to do core and pelvic strengthening while I started to integrate short runs. My core strength improved dramatically--I stand much taller because of it.

I had my setback in December during a scheduled "longer" run. I had already procrastinated on going out because of the rainfall but convinced myself to go out the next day (I didn't want to fall behind). I felt myself hunching over from the cold. My form was all over the place and I couldn't correct it. In less than a mile and a half my hip started to hurt intensely. I walked it in and wrote Aracely a note. She agreed that I needed to stop running until my pain subsided.

But after three weeks off running my hip was still troubling me. I was getting frustrated. After one excruciating strength class I couldn't handle the pain. After an emotional exchange, Aracely and I agreed to hold off on training until I had a doctor examine me thoroughly.

The verdict? I wasn't strong enough in one muscle group to resume running. I need to take an even more gradual approach to building my strength starting with seeing the PT exclusively until the weakness balances out.

I'm glad its not a tear, break or something worse. Still, I'm astounded that its taking so long to build strength in this one area. Everything else is strong.

During all this I really struggled with the thought of quitting--quitting training, running, my marathon goal and everything that had to do with it. I haven't quit but I cannot think of anything in my life that has gone as slowly as this.

I wanted a triumphant comeback. I wanted in the space of four months to resolve my strength issues, redeem myself as a runner and also conquer the surfing thing. My story is more like "The Little Snail That Keeps Creeping Along".

So for now Nicaragua is on hold (although Aracely just wrote me to tell me the dates have been set, the tshirts at the printers etc). She is waiting for me to come back. To be her student and to finish what I started.


I'm turning 46 this month--where will I be at 47 if I give up now?

I've taken up longboarding to stand in for surfing. I carve around my neighborhood blacktop and think of warm Pacific water. I have a pile of Runner's World magazines waiting for me to read them. I will pick them up...I just need to feel a little less insulted by my body.

100 pies

Last November I made a milestone. I baked off my 100th pie. It took a few years to do it but I kept a diary of every pie I baked with the intention of baking 100.

A few years ago I read an article about a man who wanted learn how to make knives. He bought a second hand grinder and some knife blanks and set to it. Over the course of months and years he made lots and lots of knives...many of them so unredeemable he just buried them in the back yard. But eventually he became competent and after that he became good. Eventually his knives were sought by others By then he had made over a hundred knives.

That article stuck in my mind. I remember taking a walk with a friend and talking about life goals and I recall saying that I wanted to truly master at least one skill in my life. At the time I didn't know what that would be but the idea resonated with me and stuck.

I didn't think pies would be my thing but as an eating experience and as a craft, pie has its own distinction.

One summer when I was 20, Mom and I went black berry picking behind her house. Afterwards we went into the kitchen and she taught me how to bake my first pie. Mom has a real ease with pie baking--we enjoyed pie frequently when I was growing up--always apple or peach and always what ever was in season. A family friend infamously asked his own wife why she couldn't bake pies like Mom's. Ouch! But, really, they were that good. They had a somewhat homely but flakey crust. The fillings were firm without being under or over cooked--more fruity than spicy.

When that first blackberry pie was out of the oven she sent me home with it to share with my friends. I was living in an all female household and one of my room mates had over some guests. I offered up my pie to share. I remember the reaction very vividly.

After having a few bites one of the guests knelt down and kissed my bare feet. I had cooked many things up til that day but NEVER had anything elicited that kind of response. Wow!

Despite this stunning debut, I didn't bake another pie for over a decade--mostly because I lived in places where the ovens didn't work well. It just fell off my list of things to do in the kitchen.

One evening I was at a friend's house and we started talking about pie. There is a bakery in Julian that is famous for pie. I tried that pie and wasn't impressed--I thought the crust was pretty doughy. But it was the only game in town for home made pie. I seem to recall scoffing and saying I could make a far better pie. 

After my fog of memory and delusion subsided, reality set in. I had problems with the dough sticking and tearing--eventually I ended up patting it into the pan. It turned out horrible...card-boardy crust, bland, mealy filling. All around lousy and an embarrassment. I didn't bake another pie until I went to pastry school. 

On my own turf I'm very comfortable cooking and am used to my dishes turning out successfully. However, in school I was introduced to many "rules" and was surrounded by Type A perfectionist alpha bakers--I was a nervous wreck. I was an enthusiastic home baker but some of the girls in class were already working in bakeries or doing catering. My overconfidence screwed me again!

During the week we did pies, I was confounded by the issue of trying to make a flaky crust that was something I could also roll out. "If it shatters in the bowl it will shatter on the plate" one of the instructors said. Yes, that's fine but dough needs to cohese if you are going to roll it out. I couldn't stand the idea of having another cardboard pie come out of the oven with my name on it! I gingerly worked the flour and butter adding ice water by the tiny spoonful. My dough was impossibly fragile and unrollable...I had to patch my crust together for the test. My pie was pretty homely--very "loving hands of home" as my friend Helen would say. However, when the Chef had a bite she said it was good--balanced filling and a flaky crust. Crust is everything in a pie. I needed to work on the cuteness factor of course but I was on the right track. 

In the mean time I had other inspiration to draw on. One afternoon after arriving home from a business trip I found Keri had baked me a peach pie. It was pretty as can be! Even in school I had never seen such a lovely pie--fluted edges, sprinkled with sugar and perfectly golden brown all over. I had a big slice--it was a foot kisser! Once Keri brought one of her pies to a friend's house and the host tried to tell her "the right way" to make pie crust. I interjected--I could only see one pie on the table (Keri's) and nobody was going to rain on my sweetheart's beautiful offering. The pie didn't last through the next day so I suppose Keri understands "the right way". There is no truer testament to quality than an empty plate.

I started practicing making pies at home. One pie caught on fire in the oven! But gradually, the pies improved. I asked Keri to teach me her way which she generously shared with me. Her own grandmother was a professional cook and made pies daily. I wanted to be able to roll a crust to just the right size without measuring it. With practice that came more easily. I started decorating my pies with cutouts of hearts or bees and flowers. They eventually became pretty!

One year I baked 40 pies as a fundraiser for my friends at Unconditional Love Animal Rescue. After that I logged pie after pie. I baked them for friend's parties. I made for guests. I shared them with my family. I even sold slices off the tail gate of my car when I was between jobs. I experimented with fruit and herb combinations. My work became more consistent and I was able to do the preparation with more ease. I have a few rules I always follow and because of that I can expect a certain result no matter what filling I use.

I have heard from more than one person that my pie is "as good as" or even "better" than their mother's. I always feel so proud and a little embarrassed to hear that (shouldn't Mom's pie always be the best?). My brother's won't say my pie is as good as Mom's but they usually are up for a second slice!

I am not looking to the next milestone--the next 100 pies or the next big thing. Now that I've done this feel more relaxed. Even if I only make pies for my friends I have a connection to something alive and satisfying--the making of something I know is good and that I know others think is good too. Although this pursuit isn't a world changer, I feel more solid because I pursued something until I felt I wasn't kidding myself. Also, it's important for me to remember that when I see someone do something that seems so natural that more than likely there was a large gap from when they started and where they are today.

I'll try to keep this in mind as I learn my new job.

The Battle of the Lizard Brain

Procrastination is an activity of the lizard brain--check out Seth Godin's blog for his take on it. Our most primitive selves will do anything to avoid discomfort (discomfort equals danger...danger means we might not survive...this part of our brain is fairly unsophisticated) If you equate working out with discomfort, expect the lizard brain to chime in on why not working out is a better idea. Loathe your chores? The lizard brain will come up with some other chore to keep you from doing the first one (see? stupid).

I can literally feel my frontal lobe short circuit when my lizard brain is kicking in--it feels like all the strands of my thoughts are being violently pulled and matted temporarily. It stops me--it feels like coming to a wall or a crevasse. Then almost by magic some other soothing, easier to do thing is put in front of me and whatever it was that activated my lizard brain falls out of my thinking to be done "later".

The scenario is so deceptive because later really does seem like a real time that things will happen. It could be "later" that day or "later" in the week or the all time favorite "tomorrow". Later is a powerful illusion--doing its job by keeping us safe from "discomfort". And we'll get whatever it was done "later", right?

It takes effort to overcome the lizard brain--maybe you can manage to do it a couple times a day but its going to deplete your energy. Eventually fighting it will become too much and you will fall off track of whatever it was you set out to do (oops, I mean it will get done "later").

Bottom line, you want to have your mental and emotional resources available to do the things that are truly important to you--fighting the lizard brain simply takes up too much of that valuable energy.

The best way I have found to counter the lizard brain is to create a ritual that masks whatever it is I would normally procrastinate on. The activity needs to be something simple and pleasant that allows me to  transition from one activity to the next without activating the lizard brain. It takes far less energy to do this than to use will power.

When I want to work on a project such as practicing my language skills I have a simple ritual that puts me in the proper frame of mind to begin.

First off I schedule the work--this keeps things from getting random and haphazard. At the appointed time I take a short walk around my home or office and then get a cup of tea or coffee. I'm then ready to work. That's it. If I'm at home I sometimes will I will substitute the walk with a hot shower. The point is to relax.

But you might ask "hey, isn't going for tea/walks/showers just more procrastination?"

No--here is the reason why. Rituals are purposeful. Procrastination is random. If you sit down to work and all of a sudden need to take out the trash you are engaging in procrastination. However, if you purposefully empty the trash before sitting down to work, that is a ritual (and could be exactly the sort of relaxing transitional activity you need so your mind is fully available to work--I'd rather have a cup of tea).

Play with rituals and see how much more you are able to get done.

Insane ideas

Last week when I was working out with Aracely she mentioned she wanted to lead a trip to Nicaragua (her country of origin) to run a race there and check out the country side-she would act as guide.

I asked Aracely if she thought I could possibly be ready to run by the time the trip happened. She said I would be ready for something--1/2 marathon, 10k, 5k and 2 mile options would be available.

I said it sounded interesting and I would give it some thought.

By the next morning I was already researching flights to Managua and reading about all the Nicaragua has to offer. It turns out it's also a prime surf country.

Running and surfing in Nicaragua? A year after my crash and burn? I'm obsessed. There is a lot to love about Nicaragua--cloud forests, active volcanoes, one of the largest Jaguar populations in the world along with 3 toed sloths, toucans and other beauty. Also a visit would afford me the opportunity to see how the country has progressed after all the turmoil and mischief of the 80s. This is no ordinary vacation opportunity—it’s loaded with the amazing!

I'm crazy. This is either getting far far ahead of myself or the chance to tie up several dangling threads at once. Not moderate thinking. Not even very smart. But compelling. It’s actually freaking me out.

If I were to do this, what would be the road to take to be maximally prepared? What could I do to make sure I pass through this gracefully?