Staying the Course?

Admitting De-Feet

I've written a few times about running, surfing etc and I want to say publicly, today, right now, in front of G-D and everyone--I quit.

Yup, I quit. After making a big deal about epic journeys, about following a teacher, about remolding myself into a "long distance runner whatever" I just want to say I quit.

Shocking, I know. I'm a quitter.

I haven't wanted to write about this because I think a lot of people really cherish the idea of overcoming odds and becoming whatever it is they set out to be--I really wanted to model that.

However for me it's more important to be truthful.

In my coach training we've been doing a lot of work about being guided by our feelings--specifically the feelings in our bodies. Our bodies are very reliable guides to what actions bring us towards our best lives. Things start to get screwed up when we don't listen to the cues our bodies hand us over and over.

I had an idea about running. What that idea meant to me was finally proving I was tough enough to do something hard--something really impossible for the asthmatic little girl I was. Just like in the movies I was going to transcend my past by running a marathon.

I tried to do everything right. I met with my trainer twice a week to workout. I did as was prescribed to me and did my best to ignore the feelings of dread and depression I had before training. At the time I just saw those as negative feelings to overcome so I put on a happy face and went out to run when everything inside of me said "no"--it always hurt.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to put in my dues, over come odds and emerge triumphant. Perhaps even feel joy. It wasn't happening.

One training Aracely was putting me through my paces and at a certain point I started to feel burning in my hip. I was making a horrible face but Aracely told me to keep going--and I did until I couldn't. I told her I was hurting. She asked me where and when I showed her she poked me there.

I screamed in pain as well as rage--I felt my face go pale. Aracely looked shocked. I immediately felt embarrassed for screaming out but the tiger was out of the cage. This was several months ago so I don't exactly remember what happened except it was very awkward and I went home.

Later that day I made an appointment to see my doctor (again!).

It didn't matter that I had been working on my strength, being careful and trying so hard to do it right. I had once again injured myself. I had to be honest with myself--this wasn't working.

Aracely and I sat down for a final meeting and decided to suspend training indefinitely. We both hurt over this. I don't blame my coach--she invested a lot of time in me and it still went nowhere.

So, where things get interesting with this isn't around my injury or running or even the relationship with a specific coach. It's all about a story--one I created.

For years I invested in a story around what being a runner, specifically a long distance runner, means. I made my relationship to running mean something about me--and not running as being a personal failure and a statement about who I am.

Pretty sad way to look at myself. And a great excuse to exclude myself from every trying running again because it would screw up my new story about being a "failed" runner.

The reality of the situation was I trained to run, I got an injury and chose to not pursue running. Not a character failing. Not a tragedy. Not a tale of redemption in the offing. Just now, when I work out, I tend to not run.

Dropping the running failure story (and every other failure story) is allowing me to pursue the real things that bring me joy and gives me permission to fail at them (and move on) or drop them if they don't suit me. Or revisit them if it feels right (no point in saying no if your internal compass is pointing to it).

What stories are you holding on to that are separating you from your best life?

detachment

I started writing this several days ago in my head about enjoying finally being able to take walks. I was wondering when walking wouldn't be enough and I'd get the urge to run. It hasn't happened yet. This is what I've observed--when I see others run I'm jealous of them running. When I am by myself I don't feel like breaking into a run.

Having said that I have experienced pleasure running--free, loose and swift. That experience feels so distant to me now. I find myself having conversations about running vs. walking. Why I would do one or the other and especially what I think it says about me that I don't have the urge to run right now. Not that I'm supposed to run (not cleared for that yet) but that I don't have the urge. Seems like a failure of spirit somehow.

Happily, I don't spend a great deal of time dwelling on these mean thoughts. I walk daily around my neighborhood or near work and listen to books or podcasts. Its very relaxing and I enjoy the time outside (so grateful for spring time). Enjoying the enthusiasm of the moment is a wonderful thing indeed. Its hard to feel the pleasure of the moment when you have the nag of a goal waiting for you to get back in the game.

I was doing a similar thing with my work life.

I was spending a lot of time trying to find ways to really "care" about what I was doing. Everyone around me seems engaged and passionate about the work we're doing. I wanted to feel that too and felt there was something lacking in me that I wasn't playing the game with the same intensity.

I wanted to do work that was seen to be important. I worried about the impression I was making with my work, about showing my managers and peers that my work/thoughts were valuable. I was working very hard to be noticed and appreciated. I'd come home all ramped up and almost believing that I was finally on to something with my career. But there was always a little bit of me left behind that was waiting to also get swept up in my professional zeitgeist. That part of me wasn't catching up.

I do have islands of enjoyment at work--mostly when I connect with other people and help them through their issues. Usually, this is not connected to the body of activities that count as my job. However, it is what gives me a warm feeling. I tell myself this is the intangible I bring to the table--the reason to show up, to be present, to engage.

I just spent the last two days in and out of the hospital. My partner started having chest pains so we rushed to the emergency room to find out what was going on. It took several hours before the doctors could determine it was NOT a heart attack (we still don't know what is causing her pain).

Our friends and coworkers all expressed real concern for our well being, telling us to take the time we need, to relax.

Neither of us could relax. I won't speak for my partner but even in the emergency room I was taking furtive glances at my work email. I saw people looking for my attention RIGHT NOW (even from people who knew where I was and what I was doing).

What I tell others I find I must tell myself--people will treat you the way you allow them to.

As my partner rests from the day's trails, all the little email voices in the background seem to be a thousand miles away. From my living room window I can count the blossoms on my little peach tree. The clouds are gathering for rain. My dog is asleep at my feet.

I'm so grateful.

Insane Ideas Update

Remember my insane idea from last October? Yah, me neither...well, no...I remember it quite well which is why I'm writing an update to it.

My hip still isn't where it needs to be to run. Late November, I resumed a very light running schedule under Aracely's supervision. It was going ok. We were meeting twice a week to do core and pelvic strengthening while I started to integrate short runs. My core strength improved dramatically--I stand much taller because of it.

I had my setback in December during a scheduled "longer" run. I had already procrastinated on going out because of the rainfall but convinced myself to go out the next day (I didn't want to fall behind). I felt myself hunching over from the cold. My form was all over the place and I couldn't correct it. In less than a mile and a half my hip started to hurt intensely. I walked it in and wrote Aracely a note. She agreed that I needed to stop running until my pain subsided.

But after three weeks off running my hip was still troubling me. I was getting frustrated. After one excruciating strength class I couldn't handle the pain. After an emotional exchange, Aracely and I agreed to hold off on training until I had a doctor examine me thoroughly.

The verdict? I wasn't strong enough in one muscle group to resume running. I need to take an even more gradual approach to building my strength starting with seeing the PT exclusively until the weakness balances out.

I'm glad its not a tear, break or something worse. Still, I'm astounded that its taking so long to build strength in this one area. Everything else is strong.

During all this I really struggled with the thought of quitting--quitting training, running, my marathon goal and everything that had to do with it. I haven't quit but I cannot think of anything in my life that has gone as slowly as this.

I wanted a triumphant comeback. I wanted in the space of four months to resolve my strength issues, redeem myself as a runner and also conquer the surfing thing. My story is more like "The Little Snail That Keeps Creeping Along".

So for now Nicaragua is on hold (although Aracely just wrote me to tell me the dates have been set, the tshirts at the printers etc). She is waiting for me to come back. To be her student and to finish what I started.


I'm turning 46 this month--where will I be at 47 if I give up now?

I've taken up longboarding to stand in for surfing. I carve around my neighborhood blacktop and think of warm Pacific water. I have a pile of Runner's World magazines waiting for me to read them. I will pick them up...I just need to feel a little less insulted by my body.

Insane ideas

Last week when I was working out with Aracely she mentioned she wanted to lead a trip to Nicaragua (her country of origin) to run a race there and check out the country side-she would act as guide.

I asked Aracely if she thought I could possibly be ready to run by the time the trip happened. She said I would be ready for something--1/2 marathon, 10k, 5k and 2 mile options would be available.

I said it sounded interesting and I would give it some thought.

By the next morning I was already researching flights to Managua and reading about all the Nicaragua has to offer. It turns out it's also a prime surf country.

Running and surfing in Nicaragua? A year after my crash and burn? I'm obsessed. There is a lot to love about Nicaragua--cloud forests, active volcanoes, one of the largest Jaguar populations in the world along with 3 toed sloths, toucans and other beauty. Also a visit would afford me the opportunity to see how the country has progressed after all the turmoil and mischief of the 80s. This is no ordinary vacation opportunity—it’s loaded with the amazing!

I'm crazy. This is either getting far far ahead of myself or the chance to tie up several dangling threads at once. Not moderate thinking. Not even very smart. But compelling. It’s actually freaking me out.

If I were to do this, what would be the road to take to be maximally prepared? What could I do to make sure I pass through this gracefully?

Socrates

Does anyone remember the story of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman? In it he describes his relationship with his enigmatic teacher who in the book goes by the name of Socrates. I have my own Socrates. Her name is Aracely--she is my running coach.

I've been working with Aracely on and off for three years at least. I sought her out to learn Chi Running-- a technique I read about in a book of the same name. I took up Chi Running at a time when I was learning about how we form our realities through our thoughts. I decided my new reality was to be a long distance runner. With the help of the book and 6 weeks of self training I ran my first half marathon in just under 3 hours. I weighed close to 200 lbs (very very heavy for me) but I only entertained thoughts of finishing--and I did!

It occurred to me that if I could run a half marathon with just what I learned in the book I would do even better with someone to teach me the technique in depth. I found Aracely's name and email address on the Chi Running site and sent her a note. We made a date to meet at the Cupertino track a few days later.
When I saw her across the field I waved to her. She waved back and motioned for me to run towards her. She had a small video camera in her hand.