What I've been up to lately

My class with Lisa Sonora Beam has really set me on some interesting explorations career-wise. Not ready to say what about yet but I plan to start making new services available by the end of the year. Its driving me in different directions at work too which is exciting and adding a real boost of cheerfulness to my work days.

The poetry writing as well as working with Lisa and Coach Max has definitely loosened me up. I've started painting again. I purchased a calligraphy brush, a bottle of Ultra Black ink and a roll of paper for making Shojii screens. I've been painting every morning before work and sometimes after work too. Unlike everything else, this pursuit truly has no goal. I don't even have to please myself...I just go for what feels good on the paper.

I remember as a little girl I REALLY wanted to help out with things like painting the fence. Instead of handing me a brush, my dad gave me some sandpaper and a piece of rough sawed redwood plank. He told me I could paint when it was smooth as glass.

(he really didn't want any help painting)

I still wanted to experience the luscious sensation of thickly applying paint with a brush. I just wanted to dip the brush right in the can and start gliding it over the surface of whatever I was working on.

When I got my first set of acrylic paints I couldn't wait to realize an image from my imagination on canvas. I was surprised that the gap between my imagination and the craft of painting was so wide! My first painting was pretty gloppy--bright as well. I had no idea how to mix paint so I used the hues as they came from the tube.

Over time the gap narrowed but I was never able to achieve the realism I craved. There were so many things to balance and adding color applied with something as strange as paint is yet another layer of skill. I wasn't great but I loved to paint and even considered an art major before going for the infinitely more practical Literature degree.

All these musings about art and creativity are because last weekend was the Maker Faire (my favorite event of the year). Its like Gay Pride for geeks and crafty people with less disco but possibly twice as many strobe lights. For a full day I was surrounded by people following their curiosity and ingenuity--sometimes making a profit and sometimes just there to show and tell. Most of the things there had a lot of preparation and polish, some of the exhibits were clearly "works in progress"...not quite ready but ready enough to show off the idea.

What I especially enjoy about the event is the supportiveness I witness around me. This event really is about showing and sharing...not competing or criticizing. I think there is a general understanding that if you have enough guts to bring your project to such a public and well attended event you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. I've heard plenty of times myself when someone tried to tell me the "right way" to do something. I'd like to see this crowd spared that brand of helpfulness.

Change--it is and isn't a mental game

I was having a conversation with someone who said they had a short term goal they were trying to achieve and they just hadn't got there. They knew all the steps they had to take but just hadn't done them. I listened for a while and said "why are you trying to do this?"

She rattled off a list of very good rational reasons. Her voice was dispassionate as she told me why she wanted to accomplish this goal.

I found myself blurting out "without a compelling reason you aren't going to be able to do this--I'm sorry". I was sorry because I felt I stepped on toes and said too much. The only problem was I felt it was true.

A good rational reason is not a compelling reason. One has to do with the head, the other one with the heart.

Let me tell you a story about myself. I was a binge drinker. I didn't do it all the time and I wasn't a mess with a life coming apart at the seams but I drank to get drunk. I was in denial that it was a problem although over the years I got into some pretty sketchy situations under the influence. Regardless of that I had no plans to change this habit any time soon.

Once after a particularly bad day at work I called Miss Keri and asked her if she wanted to meet me at the pub to have dinner. She said she would meet me after finishing up some things at work. I went to the bar and drank four vodka martinis in quick succession. By the time she showed up I was seriously drunk. Regardless of my state we spent the evening together (obviously she had to drive me) and after several hours I was sober enough to have an actual conversation with her.

She looked at me and without anger she just said "you know, you're really boring when you're like this".

This stopped me cold. I had never thought I was anything BUT hilarious under the influence. Apparently not.

I didn't resolve to do anything but my behavior changed. I stopped drinking to get drunk. I couldn't stand the idea of the person most important to me ever thinking I was boring. It was in direct conflict with my self image of being interesting and entertaining (don't burst my bubble on this ok? I still have this self image).  I also won't say I've been perfect. I still enjoy drinks and I have been drunk--mostly caused by not keeping an eye on my consumption while engaged in long lively conversations. But after 12 years I can count the incidents on one hand.

We know certain changes will help us but we don't FEEL the benefit. We only know it in our heads. When things are difficult, behavior change is usually what gets thrown out because the emotionally compelling factor takes precedent over rational reason.

There are many factors that influence change however the motivation of a genuine emotional connection to whatever state you want to achieve or avoid is key. I suspect that regardless of how good our rational reasons are change will go along only in fits and starts until our hearts find their own illogical reason to do something different.

For Love and For Money--my weekend with Lisa Sonora Beam

A few weeks ago Coach Max sent me a note to say hello and to ask if I wanted to meet up at a workshop she would be helping out with--The Creative Entrepreneur taught by Lisa Sonora Beam. I of course wanted to meet the fabulous Max face to face but I didn't know about going to a workshop. I had just spent a non trivial sum of money to have a blockage removed from my cat's bowels (Kitty is ok but we needed to shave him so future deadly hairballs wouldn't form). Still, I was really attracted to the idea--a weekend away in a cute little town doing art. It sounded like a much needed departure from my daily life. I had a burst of warm feelings and decided to invest in my mental health. I didn't care so much about the entrepreneurial aspect as I did about getting away and having some light hearted rest.

In the days leading up to the retreat I read the materials for the workshop, collected the many whimsical materials, read Lisa's blog (utterly charming--but I was getting some ideas that she was far more than an art teacher). I had no idea what kind of magic she had up her sleeve but I was sure I was at the very least going to enjoy the process.

The weekend ended up being so much more than just a restful retreat with colored pencils and cool drinks. Wrapped inside an accomplished heart centered artist is one of the most practical and savvy business coaches I have ever met in any venue. Little did I know my life was about to change.

The first afternoon started with cups of tea at the studio. It was a small class so we had an opportunity to chat one on one. At 5:30PM sharp the workshop began.

We started with basic ground rules for time in the studio--this was to make sure everyone was present and able to have the space and quiet to really go deep and help us find our answers. We began with a simple art project that would be a tool we turned to time and again through the weekend. In a matter of minutes we were quietly painting--my own performance anxiety subsiding as I pushed swathes of saturated color across the page--a prelude to an altered state that allowed me to focus and be in the moment. We gathered images from piles of magazines and calendars--things that we found deeply pleasing--these were to be used over the weekend. There was some discussion about the content of the rest of the workshop and before I knew it two hours had gone by and I was ready for some dinner and quiet time.

The remainder of the weekend was a structured exploration of our best talents and abilities, discovering customer needs and defining areas where our talents best could solve customer needs. We did business strategy, planning, and scoped some initial product offerings all in a focused confidential environment.

None of this felt like work. We played all weekend. I've been to entrepreneurial classes before--not once have I had an experience like this. I literally vibrated all weekend long (and not because of the french press coffee Coach Max kept offering me).

I had solid take-aways from the weekend. Through Lisa's coaching, following her process and with group interaction I had one new idea for a business that I had never contemplated before. I also gained awareness that I do what I call so many other people out on--devaluing and downplaying my professional experience and ability. I tend to always think there is some credibility gap I need to cross experience or training away from a starting point. I realized I had skills I could use today to build a business with--that I have everything I need (not that I won't need ongoing education--everyone needs that).

My part in getting to my starting point is doing the homework to better refine what it is I want to do (this doesn't happen over night or in a weekend--this is CRITICAL to understand this before launching a business).

I cannot recommend this workshop highly enough. For the amount of information and attention I received, the workshop fee was very modest. I felt I got so much more than either a creative weekend or an entrepreneur's bootcamp could offer me.

If you are struggling to start your small business or need help getting to the next level, this is the right workshop. Click here to visit Lisa Sonora Beam The Creative Entrepreneur.

NaPoWriMo-Day 20-25

Fatigue, I don't know
Sometimes things just want to stop
and then start again

NaPoWriMo-Day 19

who I thought I was

not the yelling voice in my mind
not the interpreted words of others
nor what I thought someone said
    or thought

not the memory of my potential
nor the projected wishes of elders

 not some better future self

when I met me for coffee
and listened as I told my long story
my heart broke
hearing the confusion that
I thought was just the domain of others

coming from the face
I never noticed
because I was brushing my teeth
were words that
made me reach out and take my hand

as I met my gaze
I was struck that the behind the eyes
feeling I felt as cold and angry
only looked wistful projecting out

how could I not have recognized
this person for so long

NaPoWriMo-Day 18

An audio book

Instead of a walk outside

I'm one lazy girl

NaPoWriMo-Day 17

voicemail by voicemail

Paul

Hey its Rachel

and on India

and the other

bites

cartons

luncheon meeting

and

there are bridge burns

looking forward

loan

we were wondering

are wondering

where this well

And apparently

as usual

we're rather childish

and so talk (xxx) xxx-xxx

If you could

we don't really go

to

otherwise people

so far chill

around building 17

calling

got your name

okay

bye