What the heck is going on?

I realize it's been a couple of weeks since I last posted but some really interesting and exciting things developed for me in ways that left me stunned (in a very nice way).

I got a job! I wasn't really looking for something full time, but an opportunity showed up that swept me off my feet. It wasn't the money or the amazing name but the remarkable convergence of events that made this seem like the right thing to do (even though it wasn't what I was planning on).

First let me be clear--I haven't abandoned coaching. Far from it. Working with clients one on one is my passion. However, in time my new gig is going to empower me to share my skills and talents on a far greater scale.

First, a little back ground.

Even though I was making progress with my new business, I needed a job to help pay the bills until I could fully transition away from the corporate world. My intention was to find a position that would bring in additional income while allowing me to focus on my coaching work--I found something that fit those criteria really well and considered my search a done deal. 

It seems the powers that be had other plans because literally minutes after I had a verbal offer on that position I got a call from The Recruiter.

I was shocked to be hearing from this company--not to mention, the timing couldn't be worse! I told the recruiter I already had a verbal offer and that it was really nice and flattering to hear from them but I didn't think the timing would work out unless they planned to move fast.

I mean seriously, how could they compete with an offer I already had?

Well, apparently they could.

Within a couple of hours I was scheduled for a next day phone interview--that was followed by onsite interviews.

Just a week after I got that first phone call I had an offer letter in hand.

And as amazing as that sounds, that isn't the magic part.

No, the magic showed up when during the interviews they asked about my decision to become a life coach.

Life coach? What?

Why did they have my coaching resume when I had a focused, no nonsense technical resume? I wanted to reach through the phone line and hand them the "right" document. I wanted them to know I was "a serious professional". I wanted to explain that I would be a good addition to their organization even with the "life coach" thing.

Turns out they wanted more than "just" a technologist.
 
In my rush to be "sensible" I didn't leave any room for the possibility that the corporate world would value anything besides my technical skills or that a "serious" job could be the way to share my passion for coaching others.

Letting myself trust that maybe, just maybe, these good people weren't making a mistake allowed me to get out of my own way and just be myself.
 
I could never have planned any of this--the environment, the incredible people or how when I think things couldn't possibly get better some new amazing gift arrives to show me that I haven't even hit the ceiling on how good it can get. I'm just grateful I didn't talk myself out of it when I felt so sure I had engineered the perfect answer--sometimes there is an even better one waiting if you can just allow it some air and space to be.

If you are curious about where I ended up, you can see it in my profile here.

An invitation

If you've been reading my blog for a while you probably have read that I've been training to be a coach. Not a football coach, voice coach or executive coach but A LIFE COACH!

Ahhhhhh, that felt good. It took me a long time to get here so it's nice to share it with you all.

This is an interest I've been pursuing for a long time--a decade almost. Even before I earned my pastry diploma I was considering coaching as a full time career.

I became interested in coaching because people would often come to me to help unwind their conundrums. These long conversations (mostly them talking and me listening and asking questions occasionally) would end with the other person feeling better and sometimes with an idea of what they wanted to do next.

What I really loved was when a conversation turned into something that resulted in a happier, more fulfilled life for the person I was talking to. I knew becoming a coach could give me more opportunities to help people as well as experience the joy of seeing someone live a happier life.

However, even though I aspired to help others, I was getting in my own way on a massive scale! I had so many negative beliefs about myself I almost didn't pursue the training at all--I put myself in the impossible position of having to coach myself out of all my own issues and difficulties before I would be fit to take even one class.

Changing those self defeating beliefs didn't happen overnight. My road to becoming a coach included a tremendous amount of introspection and self work. Reviewing my old journals I saw there were certain areas of my life that were a constant source of suffering to me--I was always running after perfection in my career or body image or trying to attain another achievement. I really believed I would finally be happy with myself once I "got to" whatever those old goals were.

I have over 1000 journal pages on my computer at home filled with an infinite loop of self criticism, plans to fix myself and anger at my circumstances (especially around my work life). It's not very good reading. There was nothing anyone could say that would make me believe I was ok and a worthwhile person just the way I was.

Working with a coach helped me break out of the thinking that created that infinite loop of misery. My life is now far less based in achievement and perfect circumstance and more based in self acceptance and connection. Because I've extended grace and kindness to myself I'm able to help others see the good in their lives as well.

See, dear reader, you don't need to be fixed. You also don't need to improve. I want to hold up a mirror to you so you can see your own beauty--beauty you have today. And if you can't see that mirror, I want to help unwind whatever it is that is clouding your vision. Because when you have that kind of clear sight with yourself, the whole world changes before your eyes. Then life becomes truly magical.

Hope to hear from you soon.  Love, Sasha

detachment

I started writing this several days ago in my head about enjoying finally being able to take walks. I was wondering when walking wouldn't be enough and I'd get the urge to run. It hasn't happened yet. This is what I've observed--when I see others run I'm jealous of them running. When I am by myself I don't feel like breaking into a run.

Having said that I have experienced pleasure running--free, loose and swift. That experience feels so distant to me now. I find myself having conversations about running vs. walking. Why I would do one or the other and especially what I think it says about me that I don't have the urge to run right now. Not that I'm supposed to run (not cleared for that yet) but that I don't have the urge. Seems like a failure of spirit somehow.

Happily, I don't spend a great deal of time dwelling on these mean thoughts. I walk daily around my neighborhood or near work and listen to books or podcasts. Its very relaxing and I enjoy the time outside (so grateful for spring time). Enjoying the enthusiasm of the moment is a wonderful thing indeed. Its hard to feel the pleasure of the moment when you have the nag of a goal waiting for you to get back in the game.

I was doing a similar thing with my work life.

I was spending a lot of time trying to find ways to really "care" about what I was doing. Everyone around me seems engaged and passionate about the work we're doing. I wanted to feel that too and felt there was something lacking in me that I wasn't playing the game with the same intensity.

I wanted to do work that was seen to be important. I worried about the impression I was making with my work, about showing my managers and peers that my work/thoughts were valuable. I was working very hard to be noticed and appreciated. I'd come home all ramped up and almost believing that I was finally on to something with my career. But there was always a little bit of me left behind that was waiting to also get swept up in my professional zeitgeist. That part of me wasn't catching up.

I do have islands of enjoyment at work--mostly when I connect with other people and help them through their issues. Usually, this is not connected to the body of activities that count as my job. However, it is what gives me a warm feeling. I tell myself this is the intangible I bring to the table--the reason to show up, to be present, to engage.

I just spent the last two days in and out of the hospital. My partner started having chest pains so we rushed to the emergency room to find out what was going on. It took several hours before the doctors could determine it was NOT a heart attack (we still don't know what is causing her pain).

Our friends and coworkers all expressed real concern for our well being, telling us to take the time we need, to relax.

Neither of us could relax. I won't speak for my partner but even in the emergency room I was taking furtive glances at my work email. I saw people looking for my attention RIGHT NOW (even from people who knew where I was and what I was doing).

What I tell others I find I must tell myself--people will treat you the way you allow them to.

As my partner rests from the day's trails, all the little email voices in the background seem to be a thousand miles away. From my living room window I can count the blossoms on my little peach tree. The clouds are gathering for rain. My dog is asleep at my feet.

I'm so grateful.

Introversion, leadership, work...

I'm always surprised when people say they think I'm extroverted. I'm not--I cultivated the ability to speak up in a group because its impossible to get anything done otherwise. I test Introvert 100% of the time on Myers Briggs and every other personality indicator I've ever used. This doesn't mean I dislike people or socializing--I just find groups larger than 3-5 to be extremely taxing (and depending on the group 3 can be a bit much).

I'm energized by long periods of solitude, working alone or with one or two others to bounce ideas off. Let someone else be in the spotlight...that's not for me.

Over the last few years I've taken on a number of roles that have required more extroversion than I care for. I thought it was time for me to be more serious about my career which in my industry usually means learning "leadership" skills. There is no way to sugar coat this--leadership favors extroversion. For every Warren Buffet there are 1000 wannabees trying to imitate Larry Ellison.

Its frustrating to me because the best things I have to offer come from being alone to consider and gestate. When a peer has an off the cuff idea that seems to come from some fit of ADHD and the group RUNS with it I want to scream. It's simply too fast and so much energy goes into following a path that may or may not have merits.

The continuous focus on presenting, defending, promoting...what work are we actually doing?

I would like to make something and just have it be used and perhaps even appreciated (loved?). I would like to dispense with the requirement for a PowerPoint deck. I would like to have a conversation over lunch about something that isn't work. When I leave at the end of the day I would like to not have flickers of anxiety because I know some of my peers work past midnight. I would like a work experience where my job isn't based on pulling things from other people. I would like to dispense with the artificial requirement for "goals" and annual reviews that are dreadful for both me and my manager.

Oh, and I'd like to not have a manager. What I'd like is a supporter--someone who helps when I'm stuck. I don't need to be "managed".

I once had a job where I made something. I made happy customers by solving their problems. I'm too disconnected from the pleasure of seeing the direct effect of my efforts. I think that's part of my frustration.

I guess I'm admitting I don't want to be a leader. I don't think I'm using my life wisely by trying to fit the leadership mold as promoted in my corporate life. I'm not willing.

Now that I have that off my chest I can figure out what it is I DO want to do.