Introversion, leadership, work...

I'm always surprised when people say they think I'm extroverted. I'm not--I cultivated the ability to speak up in a group because its impossible to get anything done otherwise. I test Introvert 100% of the time on Myers Briggs and every other personality indicator I've ever used. This doesn't mean I dislike people or socializing--I just find groups larger than 3-5 to be extremely taxing (and depending on the group 3 can be a bit much).

I'm energized by long periods of solitude, working alone or with one or two others to bounce ideas off. Let someone else be in the spotlight...that's not for me.

Over the last few years I've taken on a number of roles that have required more extroversion than I care for. I thought it was time for me to be more serious about my career which in my industry usually means learning "leadership" skills. There is no way to sugar coat this--leadership favors extroversion. For every Warren Buffet there are 1000 wannabees trying to imitate Larry Ellison.

Its frustrating to me because the best things I have to offer come from being alone to consider and gestate. When a peer has an off the cuff idea that seems to come from some fit of ADHD and the group RUNS with it I want to scream. It's simply too fast and so much energy goes into following a path that may or may not have merits.

The continuous focus on presenting, defending, promoting...what work are we actually doing?

I would like to make something and just have it be used and perhaps even appreciated (loved?). I would like to dispense with the requirement for a PowerPoint deck. I would like to have a conversation over lunch about something that isn't work. When I leave at the end of the day I would like to not have flickers of anxiety because I know some of my peers work past midnight. I would like a work experience where my job isn't based on pulling things from other people. I would like to dispense with the artificial requirement for "goals" and annual reviews that are dreadful for both me and my manager.

Oh, and I'd like to not have a manager. What I'd like is a supporter--someone who helps when I'm stuck. I don't need to be "managed".

I once had a job where I made something. I made happy customers by solving their problems. I'm too disconnected from the pleasure of seeing the direct effect of my efforts. I think that's part of my frustration.

I guess I'm admitting I don't want to be a leader. I don't think I'm using my life wisely by trying to fit the leadership mold as promoted in my corporate life. I'm not willing.

Now that I have that off my chest I can figure out what it is I DO want to do.