Bird Brain

I met with Coach Max yesterday. She gave me a lot to chew over. Sometimes conversations don't reveal the answer but are just part of the process of getting to the answer.

The session was hard for me. Max kept throwing pillows at me--Play! Sit in Cafes!

I was trying to get to the very very very very serious point of my meeting with her--my utter misery in one area of my life. After an hour I was feeling pretty crunchy and wanted to escape but at the last possible minute Max got me to notice something. I kept saying "it feels like I'm carrying the heaviest rock you can imagine".

Max: What does the rock look like...describe it to me.

Me: Its impossibly big...grey, the size of a sheep.

Max: Can you put it down.

Me: I've put it down. It rolled on its side.

Max: How do you feel now?

Me: Like picking it up again. My arms are itching to pick it up. I can feel them contracting.

Max: Well, pick it up.

Me: Ok.

Max: How does that feel?

Me:  Like I have my rock back. It fits perfectly against me.

I spent the afternoon pondering my rock. I wrote in my journal the phrase "I'm holding a big rock" over and over again. I noticed I wrote the words smaller and smaller. In my mind the rock was about the size of a potato. Actually it had turned into a potato. A raw, lumpy potato. But, much smaller than the original rock. I felt a little better.

Segue.

Several years ago I started the habit of making daily pacts with myself--a way of looking for sign posts to show me my heart was on the right frequency.

One pact I would make frequently was to see a beautiful bird. For a time I was making daily requests to see wild turkeys. As I drove to my job I would see wild turkeys clustering by the side of the road. On the way home those same days I would see terns flying over the highway. High in the air with the fading daylight around them they looked celestial...like angels.

I met a friend over the weekend for a walk at Rancho San Antonio. We saw the most beautiful flock of turkeys. They were only a few yards from us--one puffed his feathers out and spread his tail. I felt so incredibly lucky in that moment.  It reminded me of all I had to be grateful for. For a friend reaching out to me, for my recovered strength, for the beautiful day.

Its my anniversary today. Miss Keri and I have been together 14 years and have been friends since childhood. We exchanged cards under the covers before getting up for work and spent a few extra moments just being before rushing off to start our days.

Its easy to lose perspective when one area of life isn't working out or seems hard.

As I stood in the shower this morning my rock had turned into a Laura Ashley pillow--the kind filled with high loft down. It then became cloud like and drifted to the sky.

I knew in my heart what I needed to do. It wasn't much. I just forgot how to look at the world.