Advisors vs getting advised plus the role of criticism

I have three people in my life right now who recently gave me exactly the right feedback when I needed it. They were people who already had been where I am going, had been through the pitfalls and importantly expressed their faith in my ability to do the same. Powerful powerful powerful.

This kind of advice and feedback can lend the energy and clarity to move forward and get your endevour to the next level. Because of their help I was able to finish up a section of my book that I was struggling with and plan the final leg of my draft.

Lets contrast this with uninvited "advice".

I recall the day after one of my exams in pastry school--the all important wedding cake exam. The test was planning and executing on a wedding cake design. This included baking the actual cake, the filling, the structure, smoothing the fondant, piping decorations and the pains taking work of hand forming dozens of pink orchids from marzipan. Also, because I'm insane, I decided to create panels along the base of the cake all piped with stanzas from "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" (by Christopher Marlow). The whole process--the cake, the construction and all the decorations represented days of work. It all came off adequately and I was certainly over reaching my skill level--the next day I was dead! I was just happy to be done and excited I had made this multi tiered, highly decorated cake.

Because this was more than just another tray of petit fours, I brought in photos of my cake to show my coworkers. Later in the day one coworker came into my office and asked "are you ready to hear about your cake"? At first I didn't get where she was coming from but she picked up the photo I had and started saying "you should have added more elements of pink to the top to tie up the color scheme. We learned about that when I was in art school".

I can't tell you how poorly I received her correct but useless suggestion because the cake was already delivered and also WHO THE FUCK ASKED HER????

Nothing stinks more than uninvited feedback--I want you to feel free to dismiss noise from anyone taking your creation as an opportunity to stink up the room with their ill timed, unwanted opinions. Sharing your project isn't an invitation for arm chair feedback from someone with no stake in your game no matter how wise and insightful they think they are.

People are going to say what they are going to say. Just be clear that you don't have to sit still for it.

I am working with an editor right now on my book. This is a partnership that I invited. We are still building our relationship but our roles are clear--I provide content and direction for the book and she ensures that I'm clear, my prose is tight and consistent, and that what I produce is the highest quality it can be. She is a pro and I'm grateful for her.

I used to have a lot of confusion around being gracious about feedback. Let me say this to you--you might be working hard to put something into the world. You might be having moments of doubt. You also might have the sneaking suspicion that what you are creating isn't all it can be.

Be very careful about who you invite in to help you with feedback.

I had an online chat last night with a friend who suggested I was too hard on myself--its true that I have been known to lean into finding flaws in my own work. Also, its very tempting to personalize flaws--to draw the conclusion that something in your work that needs help is a metaphor for everything that is wrong with you.

Even so, learning and growing is based in actively choosing to work on areas you want to shine. You can only do that if you have awareness of those things--gaining that awareness is facilitated by partnering with people you can trust, who understand what you want to accomplish, and who can offer guidance that makes a difference.

Good feedback will help you distinguish the difference between something that isn't a big deal and something that will make your work sing. Not every flaw is worth hunting down and killing--if you are on a mission to ship something that makes a difference its critical to know what to sweat over and what to let go.

Have a feedback story to share? Leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you.