100 Days of Kindness: Has it already been a 100 days? Wow...

When I decided over 3 months ago to start this project I wanted to find out how things would be different in my life if I treated myself more kindly. I wanted to bring more people in as "experts" on the topic but as the project evolved it turned into a more solo pursuit.

A number of things happened over the last few months that helped with the process. The biggest of these has been my ending one job and starting a business. Starting something new is raw. There is a whole lot of "what the hell am I doing" going on inside but also the internal knowing that you can't really go back to the way things were. And of course, the gap between the old and the new. But where does self kindness come into this mixture?

First off I had to discover what self kindness actually meant to me. I know what it doesn't mean (but doesn't necessarily exclude). Pampering. There was no deluge of trips to the spa, facials, pedicures, cocoa with marshmallows etc. I like those things but they weren't my go to things when I contemplated being kind to myself. (I will never write for Cosmo that's for sure)

Mostly it meant looking at myself as a limited physical resource and being very selective about what I chose to engage in. It meant resting a lot more too. It meant saying no to certain people or just not engaging in the first place. It meant saying yes to other things and then investing in setting myself up for success. It also meant giving myself the benefit of the doubt when things went wrong but then picking myself up just as surely without recriminations to move forward.

Kindness meant working on my new business instead of blindly running to a new job.

Kindness meant keeping engagements that I was looking forward to instead of canceling out of fear.

Kindness meant risking making friends with people who I otherwise would be to shy to open up to.

Kindness meant taking things in tiny bites and moving slowly forward.

Kindness meant avoiding news streams and conversations that were bound to upset me. 

Kindness meant more poetry writing and more honesty.

Kindness meant cleaning and decluttering for no one's company but my own.

Kindness meant joyfully watching the Olympics because I love them and because I love Russia (even if it doesn't love me very much).

Kindness meant being relentlessly on my own side while simultaneously expecting the best of myself.

I baked a lot of cookies because its fun to bake cookies (and almost as fun to eat them). I then kindly drank kale and chia seed shakes for breakfast. I joyfully drank firewater from the craft distillery and then kindly drank lemon water to wash it out.

It was 100 days of a whole lot more yes. A 100 days of trembling too.

Last week Miss Keri and I popped over the hill to take a hot tub because my thighs were aching from doing squats. As I sat in the hot water sipping tea I thought this was exactly the kind of relief my body needed. It also felt very kind. The sort of kind that looks good in magazines articles with photos of women draped in white towels surrounded by smooth stones and cedar planks. I'm not above it. I love the visual as well as the implied calm. The trappings matched the feeling in my heart.

There are days when I feel perfectly held in the hands of G-D. On those days I try to hold my insides still to feel the buoyancy of the great All. Other days I wake afraid and must tell myself I'm safe, recalling all the evidence around me that I'm supported by unseen forces and can rely on manna to come even when the old is gone.

Kindness has been a mother that gives me a book bag and raincoat and then lets me walk to school in the rain knowing the water won't melt me but DO ME GOOD. The warm school-room awaits with the teacher, the friends and the learning always.

If you've been following along these last 100 days I would love to hear your reactions, about your kindness experiments and anything else you would like to share. Writing is my way of connecting with the world--feel free to send some words my way.

On to the next adventure!