Putting Your Face On It

The actual me in a tiny hat...

I remember a conversation I had almost twenty years ago. We were talking about "on line" services and how cool it was that so many things were available as services via the internet or other online mediums (BBSs were still heavily used at the time). He enthused that soon we would never have to leave our homes or interact with people face to face--he was serious. I don't recall my exact words but I remember countering that we shouldn't be striving for new ways to hide from others--that we need to interact with other people face to face.

Now that the election is so close I'm reminded of our last national election and one proposition that was also on the ballot for California--Prop 8. Some of you might have already read my thoughts on this period of time but I feel drawn to talk about it again.

In 2008 I had one of the most joyful and pure experiences of my life--I wedded my long time partner Keri in a civil ceremony just one month after lesbian and gay folk were granted the right to marry in my home state. My father in law traveled to attend and wore his Sunday suit. On that day, holding hands with Keri and surrounded by our families, I felt my life was complete.

Only two months later I started seeing yellow signs on the lawns of my neighbors, Yes on Prop 8. First a few but then the route I biked to work was marred by these visible signs that people I had never met or seen before thought I didn't deserve the life affirming status that marriage brings.

I spent a couple weeks feeling unwelcome in my own neighborhood, angry and even somewhat afraid. I would find our own signs defaced or stolen. Keri and I had our home there for 6 years. I have lived in far dicier neighborhoods but never have I felt the chill that I did during that period of time. I felt I needed to do something--something to remind them who their neighbors were.

I decided to write them all letters.

I collected the addresses of all the homes in my vicinity (just the several blocks on our side of the major road--no more than a half mile out in any direction) and wrote them each a letter. I introduced myself, told them Keri and I were recently wed and that their signs hurt us. I asked them politely to remove their signs as children would see them and receive the message of intolerance they communicated.  

Before I sent the letters I was having coffee with a friend on the back porch who said he was concerned for my safety--that by exposing myself I was at risk for harassment or worse. All I knew is that this was a defining moment in my life. I wouldn't be able to look at myself and feel I was the kind of person I wanted to be if I didn't say to my neighbors "We're here...you are hurting us. Please stop."

I sent the letters.

I would like to say that signs came down. They did not. Some put up even more signs. I would like to say I felt better for it. What was brought home to me is how difficult it is to relinquish tightly held beliefs, even when someone else is being harmed. Even after the election certain people in our lives had the audacity to say to our faces "I love you but I voted Yes on Prop 8."

I had to dig into myself to forgive those people but I can't say they are friends who have my back--I see them from time to time, and still friendly and certainly only wish good for them but its real for me in a way it will never be real for them.

Putting your face and your name on your actions means you have to make choices--choices about the people in your life, choices about who you show yourself to be to the world and what you stand for. Yes, I'm talking about morality and ethics and being a good human. You can't hide any longer and say that things are working they clearly they are not.

Its why I called the HSUS and told them why I was cancelling my support when their CEO said Michael Vick would be "a good pet owner" and its why I put my name on this blog.

These are my words and I stand behind all of them.