Trapped Like an Animal

Puppers not trapped.

I'm at work and despite the fact that it's the shortest day of the year, the fact that everyone is checked out because of Holy Daze haze, the fact that secretly we'd all like to be somewhere else, I cannot find a room with a closed door to shut my eyes and meditate. So I'm writing in an open area.

Here is what happened last night.

My best beloved invited me to attend a dinner hosted by her colleague. I like this person and all the people Miss K works with. Still, the combination of close quarters, not being able to hear what was going on, and the pressure to talk about myself got to me. I have about two hours that I can do this gracefully and feel ok. However, by hour two, we had barely ordered dinner.

After eating a few fried appetizers, I became aware of how much I wanted real food. Real food wasn't coming as far as I could tell. My neighbor on the right started talking about his job and all of a sudden my heart started pounding loudly in my chest. I felt crushed from the inside. It was the same feeling I've had in the past when I badly wanted to run away but couldn't.

Miss K, utterly unaware of what is going on with me, squeezed my arm playfully and asked "having fun sweetheart?".

I looked helplessly at her and said "I'm having an anxiety attack".

She blanched for a moment and then said "ok, you need a break. Go over to the restroom. We can go anytime."

In the restroom I got in a stall. The toilet seat felt like ice. How can they run a restaurant and not turn the heat on when it's 40F outside?

I felt my heart. It pounded.

I tried to detach from the feeling. Looked at my phone. Tried breathing slowly. Just waited for the pounding to get less insistent, less dangerous feeling.

After several minutes, I went out and sat down again. The food arrived. It was ok. I still felt edgy but I could maintain.

I looked around at everyone at the table. These people liked each other and I liked them.

Still, I hated that I couldn't gracefully escape without being conspicuous. Ugh.

After dessert and what seemed like a very long time after, the party showed no sign of breaking up.

I had to tap out.

Miss K told our host we were fading. Instantly, the speech of appreciation was given, presents were distributed, we said our goodbyes, and we walked to the car.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, I could see everyone else filing out of the restaurant.

Someone always has to be the one to give permission to the group it seems. Someone has to do something for everyone else to do anything.

Too much routine, regiment, requirements (even the good stuff), makes me want to scratch a hole in the walls of whatever perceived structure I'm feeling stifled by.

I will gleefully abandon anything for the refreshing feeling of escape. I need to know I can. It's how I feel like a human being and the best animal I can be.