I started writing a different article when I noticed that I had written 100 blog entries--the vast majority of which I've published! There are a handful however that I lost steam on or just decided to not continue with. Here is why.Before I kept this blog I had a LiveJournal. At a certain point I decided to discontinue that effort but before I deleted it I downloaded a copy to archive. I was amazed to find I had over 1000 pages of text. I was dismayed however to find out the it was essentially 1000 pages of complaining--the predominant themes being my dissatisfaction with my job (no matter what the job was), my angst over my body image (which I masked with ridiculous and extreme self improvement projects) or other self inflicted misery based on the thought "the world is full of assholes" (I know, enlightened).
The funny thing is that every time I made a post I was sure this was the newest, freshest thing going on in my life. How shocking to look at my self from 30,000 ft and see what a depressing thought loop I was in.
I want to be authentic when I share something with you all. At the same time, I sometime start things and catch myself going down lines of thinking that are unhelpful--rehashing negative stories of the past most commonly. Memory is an imperfect lens--the way we tell our own stories influences thoughts, behavior and emotion right now. Even if some past experience turned out very badly and even if it was completely my doing, I am able to do differently today because I know better. I am not my past.
Journalling for me today is an opportunity to examine my thoughts and to catch thoughts that are weighing me down--awareness allows me to work the thought over and chose thinking that empowers me. However, this blog isn't a publication of my journal like the livejournal was--I'm trying to share thoughts and experiences that I hope you all find helpful (or at least entertaining).
Having said that, I've recently been spending a lot of thought on how I can share more of my inner world with you. I find this time of year to be so enlivening and inspiring that I can barely contain myself! I feel flooded with images and ideas and feelings that I struggle to express with words. Here at the apex of the year I desire to take all of this in and put out something that captures it all. A perfect kingdom of beauty. I only have the tools I have today--limited skills to translate perception and feeling into mediums that somewhat share the weird and beautiful things inside me. But that's what I want to do. I want to share more with you. I hope you will come along as I strive to more fully express these weird and beautiful things.
Sasha, this writing felt so vulnerable and authentic that I'm compelled to thank you for your honesty and to tell you that it hit home for me. A few months ago, I too, looked back in my journals thinking I had evolved only to find the same issues year after year just packaged a bit differently. It was a wake up call to say the least and depressing. I want to grow into a better version of myself and never give up questioning my beliefs and thoughts to achieve my best life. I'm thankful to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with thought loops and I will be cheering you on whatever way you choose to express your thoughts! Love, Jill
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