Wednesday, April 9, 2014

A change in the sea

Right now my world seems so still. There is a place I want to get to but the wind isn't blowing.
When the wind isn't blowing you clean the decks, inventory your holds and watch the horizon for signs. You do the sensible things and you try to listen for whatever the gods are telling you to make the wind blow.

Only the gods aren't talking. I tried all the sensible things. It's time to employ the senseless.

Armed with a shovel, heavy gloves and safety glasses I attacked the final unloved corner of my home--the side yard. I discovered two pairs of rotten boots and garden supplies spoiled by the elements. The shade cloth was hanging in tatters and the corner was full of dead leaves and dirt blown in from the yard. There were buckets filled with stagnant water but alive with mosquito larvae. I dumped the water. and pulled every thing out. I picked through everything and made a pile for the dump and a pile to give away. I tested the tools, swept the deck and replaced the shade cloth.  I walked my yard and brought in all tools that were laying about. With each pass through I moved things about until I felt a sense of order and that I could finally stop.

I went into the house utterly exhausted and flopped in my chair. The dump pile looked enormous and it stank from all the neglected decomposing items collected there--its nature's way to decompose but the stink--it surely had a life of its own outside my attention.

As I rested I reflected on a coffee date I had with someone I met at a networking event. It was a casual meeting--just to get to know each other. She seemed very open and it felt easy talking to her. She listened to my stories and asked really good questions before saying anything about herself. She shared about her own life and eventually started talking about her personal reasons for being in her own business. As I listened to her I noted to myself how completely natural she was--she believed in her offerings and was looking for kindred spirits. I liked her--she was a genuine person in every sense of the word.

No matter how positive I felt about my new friend, our meeting left me feeling very unsettled--like I was missing something that she had. Not that I wanted WHAT she had but something in her essence. She knew what she was doing and was completely unconflicted about it. By contrast I felt I didn't know what I was doing and felt at a deep level something was off. What was it?

The sensible way I was going about business wasn't working. One dank, festering area of my personal belief structure was holding sway in how I was creating my new world. A belief so at odds with everything I teach that it couldn't be hidden behind an acceptable, easy to digest façade.

Its the same belief that would have had me thinking I would never find a job on my own, have love in my life or have people laugh at my jokes. A belief that I'm not acceptable just as I am.

Wouldn't it be sensible to play it safe and be more acceptable? Easier to digest? Less weird?

Well, honestly, no. In fact it didn't work at all.

The good news is that its really easy to discard sensible things when they don't work.

The next morning I folded down all the seats in my tiny car, laid down a tarp and shoveled all the rotting, forgotten things that I pulled from the yard. I worried that my car would stink like trash or that I would puncture a tire but I went anyway. My trash filled car didn't stink and I didn't pop a tire--somehow overnight my garbage pile stopped smelling like rot and started smelling like damp earth. Even the dump (which usually smells like a garbage can) had the comforting smell of compost.

Airing out my festering corner brought in light and air and a sense of relief--I'm breathing again. I don't plan to do anything too quickly but when I do take action it will be from a place of truth and probably not very sensible.

3 comments:

  1. I really cannot wait to watch whatever not-sensible things you do next. <3

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  2. Thank you. The post brought me to a calm place. I feel you and am grateful there will be fun ahead....
    Pat

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  3. Thank you, I can feel you and I feel a deep calm. Also happy there will be fun ahead.

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