Wednesday, January 15, 2014

100 Days of Kindness: coming out!

It's no secret to anyone who knows me even peripherally that I'm a lesbian. I had a pretty torturous adolescence trying to make my attraction to other women fit into the constraints of life I was taught--especially the ones laid down by my Christian faith. I had some really twisted logic such as wondering to myself if my future husband (HA!) would be ok with women occasionally sleeping over for cuddling.

Yeah, creative.

Deep down I couldn't conceive of a life without the love and warmth of another woman. That would be a life where I never would be fully happy. Sure, I would find happiness here and there but never the full soul happiness that comes from real love--the love I ached for and was destined to have once I started telling myself the truth.

On the day I officially "came out" there was a noon time celebration of Samhain going on in the courtyard of my college. Samhain celebrates the change of seasons between light and dark and coincides with Halloween. Many of the women I met that first month away from home were practicing pagans. They set up a spontaneous celebration in the courtyard with a tape player and were dancing. Someone set up a small alter with a pomegranate on it. It was a perfect sunny day with no autumn nip--warm with golden light coming through the tree tops. The world seemed to shimmer.

One woman took my hand and led me to the dance. As we moved with the music I felt all the twisted logic fall away and I whispered to myself the truth of my being.

A few minutes later I took one of my friends aside and told her I was a lesbian.

She wryly smiled and said "oh, no kidding".

From that moment forward that feeling of relief became my litmus test for truth. It gave me courage to face all outcomes--even rejection from people I loved and cared about.

I'm not saying coming out was easy. There was some very hard stuff that came along with my truth telling. But here I am to tell the tale--my life would never be as incredible as it is today if I didn't surrender my whole self to what my heart knew from an early age.

In short, what I'm saying is that coming out was really worth it.

The process of coming out is really about confronting the judgements you believe others might have about you (that you actually have about you) and deciding to embrace and live the truth anyway. And the deeper the truth, more coming out you need to do.

Last week I was on a cross country flight to attend a meetup with some of my fellow coaches. Because I was mostly confined to my seat I took the opportunity to meditate and mentally prepare for the weekend.

I put on my head phones, started some soft music and focused on my breathing. My meditation seemed to go by very quickly. As I came out of it I turned my head to look out the window. Off in the distance I could see a swirl that looked like a plastic bag caught in a whirlwind. My first thought was "damn plastic bags are everywhere". Then I realized this was an impossible sight and the swirl straightened out and became a fast moving dot trailed by thick grey vapor.

I watched the dot as long as my visual range would allow. As I gazed after the dot a thought popped in my head "you really coach about law of attraction". I sighed deeply--I was overcome by the same deep relief that I had all those years ago when I was pulled into the dance.

It serves no one to mute my talents and enthusiasms. Even though the things I write and teach have a deep neurological component, there is as much in it that is intuitive and metaphysical. I try to find language that meets people where they are--however, there is more to the story than what can be explained rationally.

I'm giving myself permission to be more open about the aspects of my work that aren't so easy to explain. I know some people will be scratching their heads over this revelation--or not! My reluctance to speak about these things more openly speaks more about my own lack of comfort than a genuine worry about anything anyone might say or think. All I know is that truth telling leads to more richness and beauty than half told tales that please only some (or none).

What is your true story? What are you waiting to come out about? 

1 comment:

  1. Sasha you are as deep as anyone I have ever met, in the most magical of ways. Love you and your message. #youarefuckingamazing