Change--it is and isn't a mental game

I was having a conversation with someone who said they had a short term goal they were trying to achieve and they just hadn't got there. They knew all the steps they had to take but just hadn't done them. I listened for a while and said "why are you trying to do this?"

She rattled off a list of very good rational reasons. Her voice was dispassionate as she told me why she wanted to accomplish this goal.

I found myself blurting out "without a compelling reason you aren't going to be able to do this--I'm sorry". I was sorry because I felt I stepped on toes and said too much. The only problem was I felt it was true.

A good rational reason is not a compelling reason. One has to do with the head, the other one with the heart.

Let me tell you a story about myself. I was a binge drinker. I didn't do it all the time and I wasn't a mess with a life coming apart at the seams but I drank to get drunk. I was in denial that it was a problem although over the years I got into some pretty sketchy situations under the influence. Regardless of that I had no plans to change this habit any time soon.

Once after a particularly bad day at work I called Miss Keri and asked her if she wanted to meet me at the pub to have dinner. She said she would meet me after finishing up some things at work. I went to the bar and drank four vodka martinis in quick succession. By the time she showed up I was seriously drunk. Regardless of my state we spent the evening together (obviously she had to drive me) and after several hours I was sober enough to have an actual conversation with her.

She looked at me and without anger she just said "you know, you're really boring when you're like this".

This stopped me cold. I had never thought I was anything BUT hilarious under the influence. Apparently not.

I didn't resolve to do anything but my behavior changed. I stopped drinking to get drunk. I couldn't stand the idea of the person most important to me ever thinking I was boring. It was in direct conflict with my self image of being interesting and entertaining (don't burst my bubble on this ok? I still have this self image).  I also won't say I've been perfect. I still enjoy drinks and I have been drunk--mostly caused by not keeping an eye on my consumption while engaged in long lively conversations. But after 12 years I can count the incidents on one hand.

We know certain changes will help us but we don't FEEL the benefit. We only know it in our heads. When things are difficult, behavior change is usually what gets thrown out because the emotionally compelling factor takes precedent over rational reason.

There are many factors that influence change however the motivation of a genuine emotional connection to whatever state you want to achieve or avoid is key. I suspect that regardless of how good our rational reasons are change will go along only in fits and starts until our hearts find their own illogical reason to do something different.