In an Uncomfortable Place

When I started this blog a few months ago I wanted to write about my personal projects, work and approach to life. I've started a number of articles in the intervening months that I haven't shared. They didn't feel finished--or at least I didn't feel finished with whatever it was I started writing about. Its remarkable how quickly time passes.

What I did finish was a major project I'd been working on for two years. It was full of starts and stops, difficulties, learnings, and interpersonal and professional conflict. There were good things too. I was glad for it to be over--even more glad that when all was finished, everything turned out great! Even though people didn't think it would work out things worked out better than expected! It was a big win!

I asked for the project because I wanted to do something really big. It evolved into being something really big that I needed to commit to daily to finish. The work itself wasn't bad--I enjoy hard work. The issues I had were with other people. There was enough difficult about what we were doing that I had to really focus to stay engaged and move things forward. That only leaves so much energy left over. However I found I spent far more energy dealing with politics and whining. I hated it. Many times I wanted to quit. Several people on my team actually did quit! But I decided to finish it--I wanted a real victory. For me that meant seeing it through to the end.

The longer I was engaged, the more clear it became to me that no matter how well things would go, people would not see it as the major it achievement it was. There was a lot of complaining from the other teams for the level of participation required of them. There was also a great deal of grumbling that our planning wasn't up to par. Although we did our best to get support, there seemed to be a certain denial that we would go through with the project at all. There was no sense of anticipation. No one was looking forward to it. It was just seen as a necessary drain on resources that probably would blow up.

It didn't blow up. It was a victory--a victory that made things better. We were only shooting for "as good as" but it was BETTER!

After all was said and done my team mates listened for someone to say they recognized what work went into the program and to receive a healthy thank you. There were a few notes from executives (a few people got nice gifts) but nothing that really acknowledged that depth of the effort. As I read these warm words of appreciation I scanned for the signs that they understood--what I read was that they knew they needed to say thank you but really didn't feel it--somehow we didn't convey to them all we put in and they couldn't see it. I can only think that they experienced the same thing we all do when we read the news and hear that somewhere thousands of miles away an earthquake has wiped out a city. We know its a tragedy but we are soon distracted by the more pressing concerns in our immediate sphere and our hearts go silent.

Hearing thanks is an important human need but even more important is knowing someone understands and appreciates what you did. If I'm really honest with myself I have to admit I die a little when I feel the "right person" didn't see or understand what I did. Truly, I deeply yearn to be appreciated. It hurts me to see how openly others are suffering because they were only marginally recognized. But that's the rub. Nobody can ever really know what a person goes through to do something well and completely. And when you sacrifice...well, that's what makes it a sacrifice. You don't get paid back--its something given up.

This Thursday I'm hosting a thank you party for all the people who contributed to my project. Not everyone can be there--many were in other states or abroad. I'm struggling with writing the speech to say thank you. I do want them to feel thanked--deeply appreciated. I despair that I won't be able to say it in a way that people will understand. People sacrificed a lot of time and were often in the cross hairs. We had a change in management (twice!) and had the deadline pushed back three times. Some people gave up their vacation time (or more...things that should not have been sacrificed for work) to get things done. I nearly gave up my vacation when things were going poorly...I'm glad I didn't especially since the deadline got pushed again!

I'm trying to learn a new job that I'm not sure about either. I asked to be on this team but again I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm not comfortable with this new discipline. I'm getting good support. My manager is patient, being a good coach--non critical as well. Maybe because of that my anxiety is sky high! I've decided to give it some time and to see if gaining competence will help me. I prefer to hide when I'm incompetent. I go somewhere quiet, gain competence and then blend in. This group has no room for that style--they are all very extroverted and I feel I'm standing out because I have so little to share. I don't know when I will need to be "as good as" the rest. Most days I feel like a bug on a stretcher board.