new work, old work

At work I'm in a pretty happy place. I am starting to learn a new job while finishing up a program I've been running for almost 2 years. Despite drama, conflict and disaster (foreseen and unforeseen) things are progressing to a positive conclusion and transition. 

Many many years ago I was fed up with my job. I had a really good run with a top tier software company but an acquisition brought about a huge layoff and I was RIF'd. They gave me a nice severance package. I had a cushion but I still needed to find work. It didn't take long for me to find something new--I even received an increase in pay. However, it didn't take long for me to become dissatisfied with the work, the company, my position...everything. I griped and moaned about "wanting to do something else...something meaningful blah blah". A dear friend (my mother in law at the time) tried to gently tell me I could do something meaningful in the circumstances I had right then. I wasn't hearing it. I wanted big change right then and there.



So, like any other right thinking person, I quit my job and enrolled in massage therapy school. All I knew is that I liked doing body work and hated my job so, let’s just dump everything because doing my hobby 100% of the time is guaranteed to make me happy, right?

It didn't really work out that way.

Despite the fact that I was pursuing a much cherished hobby, I was just as bored and discontented as I was before--on top of that I went completely broke! I couldn't find enough clients and the ones I had I didn't connect with. I spent my entire savings and went into debt (and when you have nothing even a small amount of debt is enormous). After a couple of years of that I got another regular job and very seldom ever did massage for anyone.

Despite that experience I still entertained escapist fantasies about running away to become something else and finally be "happy". My life was one professional drama after another. I kept changing jobs to get away from awful work situations--no matter what I did, professional misery still hounded me.

It’s hard to pinpoint an event that changed my thinking other than to say that one day I decided to focus on my happiness regardless of what was going on at work. Shortly after that change I was laid off--again, I got a nice severance! I decided to not look for a new job.I spent the next few months simply working on things I enjoyed and being happy. I gardened, I puttered in the kitchen perfecting my pizza dough recipe, I wrote in my journal. One day I was taking a walk and thought it wouldn't be so bad to go back to work. Almost instantaneously I got a call from a recruiter and within days I was in a brand new job. Fully rested and ready I was given another chance to figure out my professional drama.

Gradually I started focusing on how I wanted to "feel" at and about work. This wasn't an overnight process but over time I came to realize that meaning and happiness are qualities I could bring to the table regardless of what my hands were doing.

I also found I didn't necessarily want different work. I wanted to be happy. For me, being happy meant (and still means) knowing my work is helping someone and making a positive difference. No matter my official role, I could always be kind to others, listen and strive to make to make things better.

More and more I was using my full intelligence and attention. Work turned into an opportunity to serve.

I also began expressing my thoughts and opinions more. I took more risks about who I extended myself to. The more I did these things the more interesting my job became. And with that increase in interest, the more heart I put into my work.

I do my best but I don't always live up to my ideals. There are plenty of situations in my line of work that push my buttons--conflict, resistance, unplanned circumstances to name a few. I don't always react gracefully. Sometimes my ego goes on a bender and before you know it I'm thinking let me out of here!!!

I suppose the things I've taken on in life are designed to make things uncomfortable on some level. I suppose the lessons I'm learning now I could have learned as a massage therapist or an artist or even a pastry chef. But this is what I chose today--and this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.